I recently wrote about creating my own drama, asking what part of me is the part that creates the drama and for what reason? I am fascinated by some personality traits especially when I surprise myself with my own actions. I am sure a psychologist has medical terminology for any personality trait I could muster, but I am not a doctor, so I will not play one on the internet. I am looking for the deeper space that the personality trait comes from, I know it is part of me. But what part? Who are you in there and how can I help us so that we don’t act out by creating drama or conflict when there does not have to be.
I know that I am an odd duck, I recognize some may see my beliefs and ideals as somewhat utopian. I am okay with that, because I believe in the good of humanity. I also believe I hold the spark of life/God inside of me just like you do. With that, I believe I create my own magic by manifesting a beautiful life or creating drama for that matter. I tend to think, for the most part, the quality of life I live is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I have by choosing my attitude, actions, and reactions. I believe that our friends and family hold mirror’s up, so we may see ourselves in the circumstances life puts us in for a reason. To learn and to grow.
Last week Adventure sister Stacy Crep, and I were planning the Boundary Waters adventure for this coming summer. We talked about our intention for the trip, and what we both needed to ‘get out of’ our deep wilderness experience. Usually she and I go together just the two of us, we saunter around the forest like we are Queens under the canopy of trees in a wall-less castle. I find the forest is as comforting and healing to us as home. This year, we talked about how nice it might be to share our spiritual experience with others we love, and decided we would ask a couple others to come with us this summer.
I agreed hesitantly, deep down I was feeling a little selfish and wanted to keep this experience as we had always had it, just the two of us. I am the kind of person who prefers close intimate relationship rather than a party crowd with fluffy discussions of work and the weather. I am a deep thinker, I ponder mysterious meanings in life and so does my soul sister Stacy. We seem to ‘get’ each other and have a formed a soulful connection I have come to cherish greatly. I was just not ready to share this part of our relationship yet. I called myself ‘selfish’ yet I don’t think the intention behind this feeling was to be selfish at all, I believe it was my inner child or the vulnerable part of me saying “I am not ready to share this time with you yet.”
About a week after we had agreed to bring others to the Boundary Waters I was having a hard time sleeping. I laid awake pondering the way I was feeling about the trip I was usually excited about, now I seemed to be feeling the opposite way. I knew I had to tell Stacy how I felt to honor this feeling, or I would have acted out in a way that would probably create drama where there did not have to be any. We are both mature enough to treat each other with unfailing respect that we deserve. I appreciate having a friend who I can be fully honest with, someone who knows that how I ‘feel’ is just as important as how she ‘feels’. In telling her my thoughts about others coming on our adventure, I also spurred a reaction in Stacy that wanted to create conflict and drama had she not chosen to step back from the situation and see it for what it was. Just two girls communicating their feelings.
She admitted to me that the little girl in her wanted to stomp her foot and say “Fine. I am not going then.” I respected her for being so honest with me, I understood completely because that’s exactly what the vulnerable little girl in me was saying too! There we were two grown women being honest about the vulnerability they were feeling, in doing so opened a deeper conversation into honoring our true feelings. We worked together to find a mutual situation we could agree upon. I felt the honesty was liberating, and it made us feel closer then we already felt.
I found this conversation with Stacy helped me to realize that I do sometimes react in a way that is not so mature. In this realization it helps me to dig deeper into my own soul, be honest with myself about who I am on the inside. To validate what I need, not just who I want others to see. If I am honest with my true self, I find it much easier to be honest in all my relationships because I am not only respecting their needs, I am respecting mine as well. If I cover up my true feelings I tend to act out in ways that are not my best self. Is this true for you? What inside of you screams to be heard? How does it ask for help? Or do you yearn to be heard or validated?
I would love to open a conversation about this sensitive subject. Do you honor the vulnerable inner child within you? Or does seeing your own weakness offend your ego and make you send it to the back rooms of your brain where you let its hurt feelings fester until it explodes? Is this your inner child or is it your ego? Maybe it is even your inner child’s ego? What does it have to say that is so important?
I think it is imperative to look inside of yourself for answers you seek. I believe we are wise beings even when we don’t act like it. I believe there is a part of God inside of all of us. I call it our Spirit or Soul that holds valuable intuition and grace if you are quiet enough to listen, if we are aware enough to ask, and are willing to grow. We can nurture it or neglect it, it’s up to you.
Namaste
Emy Minzel ~ Adventure Sister
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Emy Minzel 