I am learning to embrace the architectural alchemy of uncertainty. What does that mean? It means I build as I go trusting each step is divinely guided. No one knows what the future holds, yet we still plan as if we can control it. They say the greatest journey begins with a single step, and so does the intentional building of a life.
To step off the cliff into the unknown, to rebuild with broken pieces, both inside and out, is its own form of alchemy. One does not become an expert in anything without first being the dutiful apprentice. To create something that endures, one must rely on firsthand experiences that slowly form the artist’s talent and style from within. So, the Universe gives me courses in life lessons that allow me to practice. Each one crafted to level up my skills, relentlessly.
The divine essence that lives within speaks to us all if we listen. I have learned to move in silence, wisely conserving my energy. Time is all we have and how I spend it shows the Universe where I am invested. It took many laborious lessons and decades before I learned to monitor my own energy bank and build firm boundaries. Intentionally directing my time and energy inward for my own use; instead of scattered willy nilly among those who will greedily siphon it until it is empty.
Trusting my instincts as guideposts is not for the faint of heart. Becoming an Architect of Uncertainty requires trial and error, lessons learned through collapse, and the courage to sift through rubble for treasures of wisdom. Instinct tells me I will need those fragments again.
My instinct for alchemy is not born from reading clever quotes found online. My intuition was forged in the dark, painful fire from which my personal phoenix has risen— so exquisite I know I inevitably risk entrapment again if I am not vigilant. Navigating uncertainty of the future is guided by trusting in my intuition and the divine downloads that lead me toward action.
Since I came into this world, I have been considering how I was born and raised Feral. Clutching wild untamable energy so tightly even the Universe let me live a semi-Feral free-range life. Never truly nurtured and protected set free to roam. Wisdom of time shows me purpose of my past. Youthful innocence seeking love and affection I was easily lured into dangerous underworld of lessons nobody wants to learn.
It was through these experiences and a lifetime of enduring violations of boundaries. And a couple attempts of others doing my best to break my spirit so completely that nearly snuffed me out. I now contain a remarkable, vastly contrasting and poetically beautiful duality that comes with heavy lessons.
I find my life has been a bit relatable to the story of Persephone the Greek Goddess of Spring, and innocence, who eventually became the Queen of the Underworld, transformation, duality, and resilience. Relatable because like many people who walk around looking fine on the outside… I do not look like what I have been through.
I am simultaneously soft and stern, sweet and sour. Miraculously my heart remains open because I have learned to find beauty even in pain and keep my light safe in the darkness. I am open because now I can trust myself. Instinctive boundaries built from persistent practice of my lifelong apprenticeship means I am now capable of self-defense in many forms. Yet, I just look like me.
Pain has become a familiar companion of being forged and constructed in fire so often that my metaphorical wings themselves are made of powerful flames. The fire in me recognizes and honor the fire in you instantly. It feels comfortable, even safe, and exciting, because the familiar burn is less terrifying than opening the forbidden door to freedom and self-love. It is not how it looks on the outside. Nothing ever is. This is where my truth resides.
Harnessing the energy of the unknown safely is in the transformation of my own vibrations. Transmuting the circumstances where like attracts like. Commanding that I select the company I keep with the ruthless integrity of my spirits inner knowing. Now, more often than not. I prefer to be alone. I will not slow down my growth for anyone. Catch up or fall off.
Alchemizing uncertainty demands deep internal mining. It means trudging through the heavy weight of defeat, searching for nuggets of golden discernment hidden within. It means tapping into the divinely guided architect of my spirit— finding value in even the smallest diamonds, compressed over years of struggle and determination, mined from the deepest darkest depths of my soul.
Compelled by a mystical force inside endlessly searching for a sacred space that honors my duality and my magic. The magician within me, instinctively cementing treasures back together while knowing that no matter how much gold and grit I gather to rebuild my life; nothing is permanent and the tower will eventually fall again.
The artistic architect within me seems to have a merciless sense of humor and intense drive to continuously re-create myself. Each death and rebirth of my soul has brought to fruition an inner truth. Always reiterating my life path is about how gracefully I go about the journey of gathering gold and making diamonds rather than arriving at the destination on time. Many times, I don’t reach my destination or my goals. The journey never looks the way I thought it would and while learning to trust in that.
The hardest work as the architect of my life is manifesting my prayers and dreams into reality. It comes when I am forced to step into the unknown. Reminding me that I do not need to know how it ends, where it goes, and who is going to be there. I just need to feel my feelings and trust myself. Fully believing that even when I feel as if I am blindfolded in a trust fall into the arms of the Universe… I am certain I will land on my feet.
Though I feel feral, have been abused, abandoned, betrayed by those who were supposed to love me the most. It has been exhausting continually seeking to design a life that feels like joyful contentment, safety, and freedom on my own.
The infinite love I somehow have the strength to carry inside needs a place to be set down. Yearning for a sacred safe space for it to be shared. Searching for the kind of wholeness I long to experience at least once in this lifetime.
So, with a deep desire for respite and rest. I know me and inevitably this longing for love will find me rebuilding another tower of confinement cloaked in the illusion of security and stability. Where eventually it becomes painfully clear that after all the time and effort, I spent rebuilding yet another beautiful life. Eventually the same yearning for freedom will ignite my flaming wings of feral fire that will burn it all down.
Intuitively knowing that once again it will be time to set myself free in order to stay authentically me. The apprentice architect of uncertainty that holds no regrets because I have now learned it was always about the journey.
Figuring out how to balance the light and the dark within. Alchemizing through a sacred and soulful reckoning of my own duality. To unconditionally love myself and heal the feral innocence within that seeks safety in cages.
Emy Minzel 